


Then How Do YOU Explain Peter?

by Asphodelia



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Gen, I don't even know guys, don't take this seriously, thor has a theory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 22:49:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14840666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asphodelia/pseuds/Asphodelia
Summary: “I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH A SPIDER, THOR.”





	Then How Do YOU Explain Peter?

“You must know of a beast capable of aiding us. Are you able to summon her?”

Tony barely bothered to glance at Thor. The Asgardian wasn’t making sense, but there were more important things to worry about at the moment. Like how they were going to get out of this alive. 

“I don’t know any beasts. Unless you mean Bruce?”

“No, the she-beast, your paramour! She must have been quite large, or the act would have killed her.”

“Okay, what?” Yes, the aliens circling them with murder in their eyes were still technically more important than whatever Thor was going on about, but now Tony was confused enough to be curious.

“She must have at least been larger than your penis, or where would it go?”

…

“Thor, why are we talking about my penis?” 

“Do not be defensive! It must have been enough to satisfy her greatly, for she clearly chose not to eat you afterwards.”

“I’m not, I don’t…” Tony sputtered for a moment and an alien surged forwards to attack. He didn’t have his full suit, but the gauntlet he was wearing was enough to blast the enemy away. “I have nothing to be defensive about in that area. Why do you think I slept with a woman who wanted to eat me?”

“Because that’s what they do! It must have taken great bravery on your part, to risk it. You must have found her very beautiful. I don’t see the appeal myself.” Thor paused to fight off three aliens who had leapt at him, finishing them quickly with an electrified swing of his hammer-axe. “Grotesque creatures. All legs and hair…but I do not mean to insult your lady!”

“So, you and Jane broke up because you realized you aren’t attracted to women?” Tony blasted an alien as it dove at him. “And, wait, are you calling Pepper a grotesque man-eating ‘beast’? Because if you are, we have a problem.” 

“No, Pepper Potts is lovely, and I love women – just not of variety that you’ve developed an admiration for.” 

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“I’m not judging! I’m sure she has a wonderful personality. She does…have a personality, right? She is of a species with higher intelligence?”

…

“Tony, please tell me you didn’t defile some poor unaware creature and make it breed for you?”

“What did Tony do?” Steve managed to fight his way through the crowd of aliens to them, and of course arrived just in time to hear that last bit. Of course. 

“Nothing!” 

“Engaged in an act of bestiality.”

Steve was looking at him like he was more inclined to believe Thor. 

“I have never…done anything…with…Just no, okay? Why would you even think that?”

“So she WAS an arachnid of higher intelligence.” Thor looked relieved. “I didn’t realize Midgar had giant intelligent spiders, they must be rare. I’m happy for you.”

“…Tony is dating a spider?” Steve sounded about as confused as Tony felt. And he was still looking awfully judgmental. Why was he finding this believable? Stupid boy scout, always thinking the worst about him…

“Perhaps they aren’t together anymore. He seems reluctant to call her for help.”

“I’m not dating a spider. I have never dated a spider. I don’t actually think it is possible to date a spider.”

“That’s a terrible attitude. Just ask her out! She has already born you a child.”

“I don’t have any kids!”

“Of course you do! I was confused when I first met him – mortals age quickly, but I didn’t think I’d been away from Midgar long enough for you to have raised a son to adolescence. Then young Peter’s arachnid lineage became clear and I realized he must have grown up faster than other humans due to the shorter life spans on his mother’s side of the family.” 

Tony hated that he could suddenly follow Thor’s logic. It wasn’t as if he didn’t know what his relationship with Peter looked like, and ‘Spider-Man’ did seem like what would happen if you crossed Iron Man and a spider…

“…So, are you going to call her?”

“I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH A SPIDER, THOR.”

“Then how do YOU explain Peter?”

“Peter isn’t my son.”

“Are you sure?” Rogers. Looking all judge-y again. 

“What do you mean ‘am I sure’!?” Tony bit out as his second gauntlet came flying in, just in time to take out the latest pair of aliens that came for him.

“Before Pepper, I know you were…you know. Promiscuous.” Did Steve just call him a slut?

“Do not be so judgmental.” Thor cut in to defend him, and Tony made the mistake of being grateful for half a second. “I’m sure Tony is not so callous about his partners that he would forget copulating with a giant spider.”

“What’d Mr.Stark do with a spider?” Peter was here. Somehow. He’d webbed down from directly above them, upside-down, even though Tony didn’t think there was anything above them for his webs to connect to. Because the universe just thought he was needed in this conversation, apparently.

“Nothing, kid.”

“When a man and a monstrous eight-legged demon bug love each other very much –“

“Shut up Thor!”

“Hey Pete, just to be clear, Tony isn’t your father? That you know of?”

“What’s with the ‘that you know of’, Rogers?” Tony channeled some of his frustration by getting proactive about the alien-slaying, blasting a few of them before they decided to move in to attack. “Remember when I was at ‘war’ with one of you and the other was off in space? I miss that time.” 

“Because it was spider mating season?” If it were anyone else Tony would think he was being trolled, but Thor seemed genuinely convinced of his little theory.

And now Peter was giggling. And Steve looked way too amused (and also like he still thought Tony was Peter’s dad). And Tony was done. The rest of his suit started arriving and he took off (to keep blasting aliens from above – he wasn’t going to abandon Peter just because his friends sucked) to the sound of Thor telling Peter he should make ‘his father’ tell him more about ‘his mother and his arachnid heritage’.

**Author's Note:**

> I saw a few things where Thor assumed Tony was Peter's dad (I wouldn't blame him, I am HERE for all the Iron Dad), and then I thought 'who does he think his mom is?' and this happened. I'm sorry.


End file.
